Grief and Loss— Book List:

Listing books here is not intended to indicate absolute agreement with all content, techniques, suggestions, word choices, or other work by the authors, but to indicate a large portion of information that was found helpful. It is recommended that, whatever you read, no matter who recommends it or writes it, readers use critical thinking and that the content is reviewed in a thoughtful, contemplative, and reflective manner. Few books are written dedicated entirely or specifically to Adoption related grief and loss, but these books I have found personally to have the most applicable and beneficial concepts.

This list reflects the individual opinions of Heather Gonzales and is written from the perspective of an adoptee. Bold titles indicate a higher preference. Lists are not necessarily a reflection of all staff or Encompass Adoptees as a whole.

Books, details, and reviews are added periodically.

A Grief Observed, by C. S. Lewis
- Shares the author’s experience of grief- The author writes, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
- This book might be most helpful for those trying to love and understand another who is actively grieving.
Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, by Pauline Boss
- Excellent book, which includes aspects of adoption, and does not focus on death as what is being grieved. This book is written in a way that both those grieving and those trying to understand another’s grief can benefit from it
- Some helpful concepts: definition of physical and psychological family and their importance (p. 4 and throughout), ambiguous losses can be traumatic (p. 23), partial losses, generational effects, ambiguous loss as avoidance/way to preserve hope (p. 71), “The act of seeking information eases the stress of ambiguity” (p. 112), the place of mastery mixed with acceptance and finding meaning in grief
Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief, by Joanne Cacciatore, PhD
- This book is written in response to the death of a loved one, but if you can read it while substituting that for any significant loss, which can be difficult for some, there are a lot of helpful parts to this book.
- One downside is that the book occasionally talks about the benefits of grief and befriending grief in a way that can feel painful, dishonoring, rushed, or invalidating, especially to those earlier in their grief process, or for those who have not had this experience with grief personally. To be fair, this is a difficult thing to communicate for anyone. For reading that sensitively and more thoroughly addresses this concept, see Wild Edge of Sorrow and Wintering below.
On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, MD and David Kessler
- This is a foundational/classic grief book. The stages of grief concept is helpful, but adding concepts to it, such as anxiety’s role in grief stages, and stages of active mourning and crying that may not be equal with depression; and the effects of time, loss anniversaries, and/or avoided/postponed grief that come up later, interact with grief stages.
- Some helpful concepts in addition to the stages of loss include: anticipatory grief (p. 1), “the limbo of loss is in itself a loss” (p. 4), “anger is strength” (p.15), “you cannot grieve only one loss” (p.73), “the resurgence of old pain and grief has an important purpose” (p. 76), “grief is also the shattering of many conscious and unconscious beliefs” (p. 78), trauma anniversaries and connection to behaviors in foster care (p. 116).
The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief, by Francis Weeller
- A favorite of mine, and a must-read for anyone dealing with grief- I won’t try to list helpful concepts because there are too many.
- The author writes about the true nature of grief and what to expect from it in a way that you can believe, from fully feeling in his words his own experiences with mourning. Like in Wintering, the author gives full weight to the heaviness and “untamed” nature of sorrow in a way that gives room for ideas of rebuilding later, without overpowering the hugeness of loss. The author also includes several noteworthy concepts of understanding grief through nature, which, like Wintering, make these concepts easier to come to terms with.
Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times, by Kathrine May
- A favorite of mine, and a must-read for anyone dealing with grief- I won’t try to list helpful concepts because there are too many.
- A theme throughout this book is that the author uses many nature examples and metaphors that feel simultaneously validating of the full weight and “ravages” of deep sorrow, while also being empowering- a rare mix that highlights the author’s talent and personal experience with grief. The author writes about of doormice, tree leaf buds, and poison mushrooms that must be boiled 3 times before they can be eaten- in these metaphors, the author acknowledges the poison (the pain and hardships that pose a risk to life, the labor-intensive process of reducing the poison so that, what was once poisonous, is able to be swallowed, digested and integrated, and later, possibility offer nutrients, something learned or gained. Metaphors like these weigh each part of pain and grief accordingly and in a way that is true while not being trite. In writing this way, the author honors the labor, sacrifice, strength, and courage found in those who give their energy to actively mourn and winter. By talking about the whole process, with a focus on the time and labor involved, no one is rushed in their grieving process, and yet the truths of existing beyond our winters are gently shared as wisdom originating long before we were born.
- This book is easy to read, in shorter increments, and can almost be read like a devotional/small daily readings, for those in the middle of grief that doesn’t allow for much more.
- For those who may not want to read about celebrating the solstice due to religious reasons, this small section can be skipped easily without losing any meaning from the book.