Facing Codependence: What it is, Where it Comes from, and How it Sabotages Our Lives

— Written by Pia Mellody in 1989, Reprinted 2003, 237 pages

— Review written by Heather Gonzales, 2024

Quick Review & Considerations: 

  • There are several good points in this book, but it was written a while ago, and this shows as you read it. Newer information is available, and some sections need additions, clarifications, and/ or updates for what we know about development trauma now.

  • The title, excessive repetition of the word “codependence,” and calling people “codependent” is an older way of discussing trauma- using symptom language instead of looking at the root causes. Bruce Perry and Oprah Whinifry’s book highlights this well and refocuses our attention from “What’s wrong with you?” to a more meaningful and productive, “What happened to you?” If you can read this book and insert “those who have experienced developmental trauma” every time “codependent” is used, you may get more out of the book. Otherwise, the extensive use of this word and another language that continually points to the problem as the person, and not primarily the context (generally abusive and/or neglectful) in which they were forced to respond, limits the benefits that could be gained from this writing.

  • With these two limitations, and due to the number of other books related to developmental trauma and trauma due to parental interactions out there, this one is a good one to save for later.

  • For a few positives, Chapter 9, Defenses Against Recognizing Abuse, includes a general overview and information on repression, suppression, dissociation, minimizing, denial, and delusion. This is worthwhile, however, there are also whole books on dissociation and more in-depth content on these coping mechanisms in other sources.

  • The author also includes a separate chapter on each type of abuse- physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. This is easy to reference and has good content, although again, it could benefit from some additions and updates.


    © Heather Gonzales, Encompass Adoptees - All Rights Reserved, 2024


Please Note:

List and comments reflect the individual opinions of Heather Gonzales and are written from the perspective of an adoptee, for those looking for resources for adoptees or adoptive families specifically. Lists are not necessarily a reflection of all staff or Encompass Adoptees as a whole. At Encompass, we recommend that, whatever you read, no matter who recommends it or writes it, readers use critical thinking and that the content is reviewed in a thoughtful, contemplative, and reflective manner.

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